I had no idea what I was getting myself into when we arrived at Wat Suan Dok to check in. After purchasing uniforms — loose white shirts and pants — we listened to general information about Buddhism from retreat founder Phra Saneh Dhammavaro. Then, he gave us the retreat guidelines, which included separate rooms for men and women, 5am daily wake-up calls, and silence at all times.

Although I was a little nervous, we went ahead, hopping into the back of a flatbed truck and sitting on benches for the 30-minute ride to the meditation center. We were allowed to talk until sundown, so we chatted with fellow travelers and found same-sex roommates.

Then, after dinner, silence began. I don’t consider myself a big talker, but I discovered how much I depend on sharing my thoughts and feelings with Brian when I couldn’t. In fact, I sucked at silence. My mind was so rebellious that I took to writing down my thoughts to get them out of my head (and I still whispered to Brian when I needed to). While it was a complete violation of the rules, of course, it was all I could do to keep it together.

And then, the next morning, I started tearing up at breakfast…

Having to be mindful of every bite I took and to trust someone else to provide for me set me off. I know I have food issues. I have for as long as I can remember. I’ve learned to eat consciously in everyday life, but giving alms to the monks — which thrusts food scarcity into mind, making me worry that they won’t have enough to eat — and chanting about not eating for pleasure or in a gluttonous manner before each meal pushed me right over the edge.

Our mindfulness prayer, chanted before every meal in Pali & English. It was enough to make me cry; how about you?

Twenty-four hours in, I was struggling so much that we almost left early. But I decided to persevere…and the real fun began.

Insight meditation requires mindfulness at all times. If your mind wanders from your breathing, for example, you’re supposed to acknowledge it, mentally chanting, “Thinking. Thinking. Thinking,” until your mind returns to your breath. If you’re feeling pain, you mentally acknowledge, “Paining. Paining.” (It’s a Thai translation thing.) Doing this with your thoughts all day long is both tiring and enlightening. I came face to face with many of my issues, most notably rebellion to authority, food scarcity concerns and negative self-talk.

My in-the-moment journal entries detail my experience pretty well:

Day 2
1pm: Just when I’m feeling comfortable and decide to stay at the retreat, Phra Chai (the monk) announces that all we’re doing for the rest of the day is meditation practice—15 minutes walking and 15 minutes sitting, and repeat—until 8pm, with two 5-minute breaks and one dinner break. I have to still my mind for the next 7 hours. Holy sh*t!

Sometime later: My mind is like a bucking bronco, refusing to calm. I open my eyes and Phra’s head is bobbing. Is he napping during seated meditation? I think he might be.

5:30pm: Roomie (a lovely gal from Hungary) and I are delirious from hunger. We are giggling and talking in our room when we’re supposed to be silent. Starvation imminent. Phra would say meditation is working: we’re happy.

7pm: The chefs prepare a delicious pumpkin curry for dinner. I imagine it’s a treat for meditating so well today. It backfires on them, however, because we eat enthusiastically and vigorously rather than consciously and without pleasure. Some even go back for seconds.

The call to evening meditation is loud and long; is it because Phra is irritated because his last meal was 7 hours ago? (Buddhist monks don’t eat after noon each day.)

Day 3
5:30am: Brian leads morning yoga class: morning series, hip opening series and 5 Tibetans. It’s so popular that he’s asked to do so again tomorrow.

7am: All ready to face my food issues and give alms to the monks but we don’t do so today. Oh well, I guess I learned enough from my reaction yesterday. Today’s breakfast: Clear soup with pasta tubes and some kind of non-meat protein, accompanied by toast. It never looks like enough but it is.

My mind is rebelling against the idea of another full day of meditation. Why is that? Does it seem too long? Do I want mental peace? Do I believe I can achieve peace this way?

I’m raging mentally whenever we bow and chant, and we do so A LOT (eight different times on day three). Brian wants to know why I’m having trouble. I’m thinking about it. I’m not a religious person. I dislike ritual. Perhaps it’s just ego overdrive.

We have significant free time after breakfast. It’s nice to wander the grounds quietly, listen to birds sing and visit Buddha statues. Maybe Phra knows we need a break.

During group discussion, Phra tells us that, often at meditation courses, you are given a little instruction and then are asked to go practice on your own all day. I think that would work better for me. In part, I’m chafing at feeling obligated to sit here in this room all the time.

I notice a lot of people are escaping the moment by letting their minds wander. They describe fun mental trips, which isn’t what insight meditation is about. I’m trying to stay grounded and present, but my mind feels trapped and that makes me angry.

Dreading meditation. Why? I’m afraid of the pain, of digging deep in my emotions and really feeling them, staying present.

Discussion time at the meditation retreat. We're all so excited to speak!

11:45am: Lunchtime. Eating (and journaling) in silence again. Boring, boring, boring. Scooping, mouthing, chewing, chewing. At least I’m being mindful. But I think that eating in silence—which seems to be a common Thai practice—diminishes the enjoyment of sharing a meal. I hate this! 24 hours to go.

1pm: It was so wonderful to sit and chat and laugh with other participants after lunch, until we got shushed. Back to silence mode, and meditation. Not everyone has shown up and Phra is ringing the bell incessantly.

Roomie is thinking of paying someone 500 THB to drive her to town. I talk her out of it. Am I crazy or what?!

I decide to revert to concentration meditation instead of insight meditation. No labeling, just being. It feels so much better.

2pm: Phra decides we look tired and can nap if we want to. I lay in the back of the room with the others and think about business and blog posts. Letting go of expectations for my meditation is helping. But I’m hungry and want a snack. I close my eyes to meditate and hear sonorous, nonsensical chanting in my mind instead.

4:30pm: We are released early because we still look tired. I realized in the last session that walking meditation works best for controlling my “monkey mind.” It’s so precise, chronicling each movement: Heel up, lifting, moving, lowering, heel down, toe down. Monkey mind has taken over my seated meditation. Brian seems to be having fun, however.

Day 4
5:25am: Almost done. Sleep was like the first night, spotty. Just as I fell deeply asleep, the wake-up bell began. I understand why Thai children hid that thing once. I want to do it myself. Time for yoga.

6:50am: Phra Saneh is back. He wants to teach us to give with our whole heart. He talks about alms and so we do another round. I handle it much better this time, even though I still have nigglings of fear that the monks won’t have enough to eat, but I know this is just my issue and untrue.

8am: Another breakfast of clear soup and bread. I’m mindfully singing Dave Matthews Band songs in my head since silence prevails. I notice the monks are chatting in the other room.

8:30am: The bell is ringing again. It’s high-pitched ting-ting-ting-ting-ting sends shivers down my spine. Discussion time begins.

Phra Saneh talks about coming to understand the true nature of life—that is, impermanence—through meditation practice. He says that meditation helps us understand the nature of the mind. We are all the same: Human beings, not male/female, Christian/Muslim/Buddhist. Insight meditation is about observing the present, he says. We each must acknowledge and accept our emotions.

He recommends at least 15 minutes of walking meditation and 15 minutes of seated meditation every day, for all people.

I am feeling sad over lost time, of having let my emotions blow in the wind during this retreat and beforehand. But that is the past. I can only move forward, living in the present, acknowledging what I feel in this moment and knowing even that is impermanent.

We are each like Buddha—two eyes, two feet, two arms, one nose, one mouth. We can each work toward enlightenment. We each create our own happiness. [Through meditation] practice, we release endorphins to create our own bliss. Stop seeking happiness from external sources. We create this for ourselves.

Focus on the present. When we’re forever waiting and wanting, life is long. When we’re in the moment, time is short. Relax and be present.

~Phra Saneh Dhammavaro

10:45am: Final meditation session. My mindfulness is better but still problematic.

Final words from Phra Saneh:

As you live in the world, remember three things. 1) Practice forgiveness. Forgive yourself and others so that you are set free. 2) Learn to forget. Choose to forget all bad things. When we remember and dwell on bad things, we’re the first to suffer. And 3) Practice meditation.

11:45am: Lots of learning and emotions to review later but now it’s lunchtime. OMG, we can talk! It’s such a lovely feeling.

One last group photo and it’s time to go. Yes!

* * *

It’s now been months since Brian and I left the meditation retreat. I recall being sad upon leaving — Phra Dhammavaro gave a rousing speech, inviting us to consider the retreat center home and to return whenever we wanted — and also glad to return to normalcy.

It’s interesting how much “stuff” insight meditation brought up for me, but I haven’t returned to it since. I guess I’m just not ready. For now, I’ll keep my concentration, empty mind and loving kindness meditations.

Cheers,

Patara is the #1 activity on TripAdvisor for Chiang Mai, Thailand, and we’d also gotten a recommendation for them in Australia, so I contacted them for availability. A day visit costs 5,800 THB (190 USD at the time).

Brian felt like he’d had enough of an elephant experience at ENP, so I went to Patara alone. I was excited, but in the days leading up to my visit, I was also concerned. I’d seen and heard many horror stories at ENP. Lek had stopped talking to Brian and walked off when he mentioned Patara. What if they mistreated the elephants? I knew they had two newborns, each less than 10 days old, and I had a lot of questions. What if I didn’t like the answers?

Patara’s driver picked me up just before 8am, and already the experience was different than ENP. There were just three of us in the van for the 45-minute ride to the farm. In total, there were 20-25 tourists present, and we were subdivided into two groups after owner Pat’s welcome and introduction. I never saw the other group again.

Patara is a private farm owned and run by a Thai family. They house 29 elephants, many of whom came to them from unsuitable homes like circuses and logging camps. Pat, one of the owners, refers to his activities as adoption instead of rescue because he says he doesn’t want to be thought of as a hero. He is doing what he believes must be done to prevent extinction. His motto: “Extinction is forever.”

Patara Elephant Farm owner, Pat Trungpakan

Patara’s primary purpose is breeding. As such, their elephants range in age from newborn to early 50s. They have four breeding bulls and donate sperm to the Thai government’s artificial insemination programs, although Pat prefers to let nature take its course in his own program. When female elephants are in heat, they choose a mate and are released to the wild together for a “10-day honeymoon,” as Pat calls it. Breeding is not mandatory, however. My elephant, Prao, has not been interested in any of their males to date and hasn’t been bred.

Meeting Prao, my elephant for the day, and her mahout (trainer) Kao

Pat’s description of the elephant situation in Thailand was more balanced than that of ENP. Although the Asian elephant is endangered—there are approximately 3,200 domesticated elephants and 1,400 wild elephants left in Thailand—many people are working on the problem. The Thai government is involved through the Thai Elephant Conservation Center - Lampang, Her Majesty Queen Sirikit initiated the Elephant Reintroduction Foundation, and Friends of the Asian Elephant (FAE) built the world’s first elephant hospital, for example. There is also the Elephant Parade, an international public art project benefiting Asian elephant charities, including FAE.

As I mentioned, I had a lot of questions, and Pat had pragmatic responses. Instead of banning elephant painting shows, for example, he suggests that use of non-toxic paint be required. Because of his breeding program, I also asked Pat what they planned for the babies: Would they be released into the wild, or kept for training? He said he had released seven elephants to the wild so far but that the newest herd members would probably be kept at the farm. Of course, that led to my questions about phajaan training. Pat didn’t shy away from the questions and in fact encouraged me to ask them in front of the group. He asked which version of the infamous video I’d seen, as there are several edits, and encouraged me to find the full 30-minute video (Note: I haven’t been able to, but I welcome comments from anyone who knows how to find it). He gave me a lot to think about, and I was impressed by the forthrightness of his responses.

On the way over to meet our elephants, we met the newest members of the herd. This cutie was about 24 hours old:

We then got to love on the older baby, who was about 10 days old. Looks tiny and cute, doesn’t she? Well, this little lady already weighs 180lbs and accidentally knocked one of the other guests over in her excitement.

Next, came the work. My elephant “ownership” program involved checking Prao’s health: A visual inspection of her mental state (happy elephants flap their ears and respond to their names), digestive health (dung sniffing, anyone?) and overall well-being. Then, I learned some basic elephant commands, brushed off the dirt she had sprayed on herself to keep cool and took her for a bath. Patara’s idea of a bath was a lot more involved than ENP’s; it involved real scrubbing from top to bottom.

Demonstrating elephant cleaning protocol

And then came the riding. Sitting atop an elephant places you pretty high off the ground and, at first, you’re certain you’ll fall off. Once you have your bearings, the real discomfort begins. While I understand from Pat that riding the elephants bareback provides them with healthful daily activity and keeps their feet in good shape, it was pretty uncomfortable and not something I would choose to do again.

Prao liked to be up front, so we quickly took the lead and maintained it most of the day. And Kao took pity on me in the bright sun and insisted that I wear his hat.

Note: Riding bareback is very different than riding atop a basket, which is very heavy and can cause permanent injury to the elephant. As with many topics regarding elephants, conservation and tourism, elephant riding is controversial. Here’s an interesting blog post I found on the topic.

After riding for quite a while through the jungle, up steep hills and over streams, we settled for lunch alongside a river.

Yep, there I am munching on fried chicken and sticky rice...

Some of the guests decided to swim with the elephants, but I watched from shore and enjoyed the break instead. Then, we cleaned up our leftovers, fed them to the elephants (only the non-meat items) and began the trek back to camp. I wasn’t wearing a watch so I don’t know for sure, but I’d guess the whole experience lasted about six hours. It was enough. I was tired after my hot day with Prao and Kao but I was also happy to have done it.

One last hug from Prao, and it's time to go

I would definitely return to Patara, but I think my elephant riding days are over. They have a shorter program where you stay around the farm and spend more time with the pregnant mothers and babies, and I’ve heard they are willing to tailor your visit as well.

Pros of Patara:

• Great elephant encounter for tourists, including newborn cuddling.
• Lengthy one-on-one time, including health check and bathing.
• Patara has a perfect record of zero deaths in 10 years of operation. That is not true for ENP although, to be fair, ENP has an older elephant population.
• Cool freebies: a CD of photos and videos taken throughout the day is given to each guest. Most of the photos in this post came from Patara. To see some more videos, head over to our video page.

Cons:

• A long time is spent bareback riding, which provides exercise for elephants, but I’d rather have skipped.
• Facilities are limited.
• Mahouts carry hooks, although I never saw one used on an elephant. They cover the business end with their hands and wield the butt end as a minor prod on rare occasion.

So, if I were to compare my time at Patara and ENP, who would be the winner? Let’s go point by point:

• On letting elephants be elephants: ENP
• Close-up cuddling, including with babies: Patara, hands down
• Bathing experience: Patara
• Riding: Only Patara allows this but it wasn’t a highlight for me
• Lunch: ENP, with a huge vegetarian buffet
• Personalization possibilities: Patara
• Overnight & volunteer experiences: Only available through ENP
• Elephant care: This one is really a toss up. Patara’s mahouts carry hooks, but I saw some questionable acts on the part of kwans (Burmese word for mahouts) at ENP. I’m not really qualified to judge quality of care, so I’ll leave this one a draw.

There you have it: My Thai elephant adventures in a nutshell. Which would you choose?

Cheers,

I chose from more than 15 experiences near Chiang Mai, creating a shortlist of four that met my requirements: They didn’t have an “elephant show” involving circus tricks or painting, and they appeared to treat their elephants well. I considered visiting each and reporting back to you on which was the best experience for visitors and which was best for the elephants. Well, as lofty goals go, this one needed to be amended.

Several environmentally conscious bloggers have made statements about which parks are “good” and which are “bad” based on a visit to just one park. I believe that is unfortunate. The issue of elephant conservation—really, conservation in general—is complicated. I don’t want to make judgments on an issue that I’m not completely informed about, so instead I’m going to share my experiences at the two parks I did visit and let you come to your own conclusions about which experience you’d enjoy.

My first pick was Lek Chailert’s Elephant Nature Park (ENP). Lek is a widely recognized conservationist who runs a nonprofit as well as the for-profit park, which is funded by tourist visits. A daytime visit is 2,400 THB (about 80 USD), and an overnight stay is 5,800 THB. There are also multiple-day stays and week-long volunteer experiences.

ENP is 1.5 hours north of Chiang Mai. Our guide, Olive, picked Brian and I up at our apartment and played a video about the elephant situation in Thailand along the journey. She also gave us many rules for our park visit, including:

• Don’t stand in front of an elephant’s trunk, because you can be hit.
• Don’t stand where an elephant can’t see you.
• Don’t stand between two elephants.
• Beware the young bulls, including the two-year-old baby boy, who are rambunctious.

There were so many admonitions, we were a bit uncertain of what we could do.

Our first stop upon arrival was the elephant kitchen, where several tons of produce are prepared to feed the park’s 35 elephants. Elephants can eat up to 25% of their body weight each day and, at an average weight of between 9,000-12,000 pounds for an adult, that’s a lot of melons, bananas, papayas and cucumbers.

Feeding time at Elephant Nature Park

The park was more crowded than I expected, with at least 100 visitors present the day we visited. We were grouped in units of 6-8 people and each group shared feeding responsibilities for one elephant. Being naturally reticent in a crowd, I found myself watching more than participating in the feedings. I fed a few bananas to our elephant—putting them onto her trunk for her to put in her own mouth—and then we all went over to the paddocks to see the “babies,” a three-year-old female and two-year-old male. Both were born to elephants that came to the park pregnant, as ENP does not have a breeding program.

After a brief tour, we participated in bath time, which involved heading to the river, grabbing buckets and throwing water at the elephants. People and elephants were everywhere, but we’d been told to not stand between elephants, to not get too close, etc. I was a little uncomfortable and confused, and Brian declined to participate, watching from shore instead.

Then we were led to a tall wooden viewing platform—much like at a zoo—to watch the babies have bath time and frolic in a nearby mud pit. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by all of the people, and began wondering if I’d get any quality time with an elephant.

“Human lunch,” as they called it, was a tasty vegetarian buffet. The tables filled quickly so Brian and I sat on a bench in the viewing area where we could enjoy some quiet time and watch the elephants come and go.

After lunch, we watched two more videos. While the first set in the van was difficult, showing street-begging elephants; the second was far worse, showing the controversial phajaan training that all domesticated Asian elephants experience. We’ve since learned that even the video we saw is controversial. Many Thais swear it is false and that the filmmakers were egging on the trainers to be more brutal than is typical. As I’ve never seen phajaan training in real life, I can’t say what is the truth. [Here is a link to part of a PETA video featuring phajaan training]

Following the videos, there was another round of elephant feeding and bathing, and then “kisses,” where elephants smooch their trunks on unwitting tourists’ faces. Getting covered in mud didn’t sound like a comfortable way to spend the afternoon and evening, so I stood aside. Now that I’ve heard more about where elephants stick their trunks, I’m glad I did. (More on that later.)

Cabin A

Around 4pm, day visitors left and the overnighters were assigned to cabins. Brian’s and mine lacked hot water but we were a couple of doors down from the communal shower stalls, so all was well. We enjoyed an early, quiet evening after the hectic, crowded day.

At dawn, we awakened to chirping birds and elephants shrouded in morning fog. The park was blissfully quiet; it was changeover day for the weekly volunteers, so they too were on a skeleton crew. Our ENP visit was starting to look up.

I and several other members of our group were surprised to see the elephants chained overnight, but staff explained that it was for their protection, both from each other and the surrounding neighbors. Even domesticated elephants have wild tendencies and would battle for supremacy if allowed, defeating the purpose of the park’s goal to allow elephants to live out their lives in peace. Also, if unsecured, the elephants might leave the park to seek food at neighboring farms, which the neighbors would protest.

Following human breakfast, we mashed together bananas with corn and rice meal for older elephants whose teeth are no longer capable of masticating grasses, then we were invited for a walking tour of the park grounds.

Our overnight group of about 15 was subdivided into two groups and led out into the enclosure for up-close elephant viewing. Our guide, Jody, allowed us to pet the elephants and she shared all of their personal stories. Many are harrowing.

One elephant had been given amphetamines so that she would work non-stop because her owners were in such desperate financial straits. She participated in tourist treks during the day and performed illegal logging activities at night. Another, after losing her baby, had become depressed and difficult, so her owners blinded her to make her more docile and obedient. Two others were victims of land mine explosions from neighboring Burma. Despite the tragic tales, all the park elephants seemed to be thriving at ENP.

Ever heard human is the only species that uses tools? Not so! Check out this elephant scratching herself with a stick.

The babies are getting frisky

Children, Auntie wants you to behave!

We also learned that elephants typically eat their own and other elephants’ feces. Some even go excavating, if you catch my drift, when they can’t find excrement to their liking. Brings a whole new meaning to the elephant “kisses” mentioned above, doesn’t it?

When we returned from our morning tour, the daily visitors had arrived and it was almost lunchtime. As overnight visitors, we had more free time to relax and enjoy our surroundings on day two. Brian likened it to an eco resort with elephants.

While I participated in many of the scheduled activities, Brian relaxed and even enjoyed a Thai massage. At one point, he found himself talking to Lek. The conversation was brief, however. When he mentioned that I had chosen ENP but that we were also interested in visiting Patara, Lek turned and walked away. Interesting…

Many of the elephant tenders (mahouts, aka kwans) entertain themselves with wood carving. You can purchase their elephant carvings from the on-site store.

In summary: While we enjoyed our visit to ENP, we felt there was too much emphasis on the dangers of elephants at the park and there were too many visitors. Frankly, ENP would have felt like going to the zoo had we not chosen the overnight stay. We also came away with the feeling that the elephant situation in Thailand is dire, that Lek is the only person doing anything about it and that ENP is the only “good” park out there. You know I had to test that theory… Stay tuned for my second Thai elephant adventure.

In brief, the pros of ENP are:

• The park allows elephants to be elephants. No rides, no shows, no forced interaction with humans.
• It serves as a permanent home to older elephants, who often are no longer able to work and might starve otherwise.
• It offers overnight & weekly volunteer experiences in addition to day trips.
• Meals are tasty and vegetarian, with ample variety.
• Overall, the park facilities are nice, and Brian enjoyed the low-responsibility elephant experience.

Cons are:

• The one-day program is crowded & doesn’t allow any 1:1 time with elephants.
• The park really stresses negatives and shows several disturbing videos, which may be too much for small children (and some adults!) to handle.

Cheers,

• Despite being farther away from Mexico, Thailand does Mexican fare better than Australia or New Zealand. Maybe it’s a general talent for cooking which we found lacking in our earlier travels…
• Road traffic in Thailand (and we suspect elsewhere in Asia) is crazy! Westerners, forget everything you’ve learned about crosswalks, intersections and road lanes. It is all mere suggestions.
• Pedestrians have the lowest road priority and scooters are the biggest menaces. Generally, cars and trucks will slow down to let you cross the road but scooters will fly right by. You’ll have to trust that they’ll dodge you but we’ve found they generally will.
• You must be proactive or you may never be permitted to cross the street. Crossing at intersections is far more difficult and more dangerous than crossing in the middle of the road, so wait for a break in traffic and hightail it across the street.
• Thais seem to have a deep and abiding affection for 80s-style pop and easy listening. You’ll hear it everywhere, including easy-listening remakes of recent US pop hits like Gaga’s “Telephone” and “Poker Face.” For an example, check out the video by sandiegolu below:

• Watch your step. Uneven sidewalks and holes are commonplace. If you’re over 5’10″ you’ll have an additional complication of watching out for your head, and at 6’2″ and over, some ceilings may be shorter than you. Seriously.
• Beds are hard. Accept and move on.
• The secret ingredient in all Thai skincare products = whitening solution. Wander Boots pharmacy if you don’t believe me. While we tourists enjoy the sun, Thai women hide from it.
• And now, a note to ladies of a certain age: Wondering where all the men have gone? Well, they’ve moved to Thailand and are dating 20-year-old bar girls. You might find one to console after his misadventures. If you’re interested, start your search in Chiang Mai at Huay Kaew Residence.

Just for good measure, here are a few more tips for your Thailand travels:

• ATMs charge a 150 Baht ($5) withdrawal fee. You can save that money for…
• $5 massages! Thai massage and foot massages are generally around $4-$7 per hour. Awesome!
• When visiting temples, please wear long skirts and pants, and cover your shoulders. Here are some more tips from Got Passport.
• Speaking of which… Know the courtesy rules for Thailand: Don’t make scenes. Dress conservatively. Allow others to save face. Smile.
• Try the local specialties: khao soi, pandan buns and northern sausage (tastes like tom yum soup in sausage form).
• Use of MSG is prevalent. If that is a problem for you, like it is for me, learn the phrase “mai ao phong chu rot” ["my ow pong choo-rod"] which translates to “without MSG.”

The "table salt" you see on every Thai table just might be MSG, so be careful if you have allergies.

• In Chiang Mai, the red trucks (called songthaews) are your friends. 20 Baht for anywhere in the city, shared ride. Be sure to flag one already headed in the direction you’re going because they won’t take you out of their way. Tuk-tuks are fun but they cost a lot more and you have to negotiate harder for a ride.
• Learn some language basics. Thais appreciate it and it’s fun!

Cheers,

P.S. Although I’m writing about Thailand, we’re currently road-tripping across the U.S. To follow our progress, check out the Travels tab.

Brian and I will be returning home, to California’s Bay Area, in the next month. We’re starting with a road trip around the East Coast to see some friends and family, and then we’re heading cross-country to our new home. Along the way, we’ll be visiting some places I’ve never been before, like New Orleans, West Texas, Wyoming and Salt Lake City. A perfect opportunity, I think, to share and close out our traveling lifestyle of more than a year.

There are many things I haven’t shared and still want to, like loving on baby elephants in Thailand. I will try to fit those in as we travel the States. Because, by the time we get home, I’d like to have a completed blog book that I can print out and put on our coffee table as a reminder of all the fun we’ve had and lessons we’ve learned. Both are considerable.

So, back to my blog title, You can’t go home again…or can you? When we returned to the States, I was amazed at how different everything felt. My reassimilation occurred quickly, however, as I went from a gal who never wore makeup while traveling to one who needed mascara and concealer to leave the house. I still occasionally notice that the $15 I spend on dinner these days could have fed me for a week in Ghana, but I succumb to local standards anyway.

My biggest surprise here in Jacksonville is that my plans to reconnect with my cousins didn’t transpire. I had dreams of spending time at the beach, going to dinner often, becoming better friends with all of them now that we’re adults. What I have realized is that they all have their own lives and, because I haven’t lived here since infancy, I don’t fit. Of my many cousins in town, we only saw one more than occasionally and I think that was his wife’s doing, really. But it was nice.

Then, we flew out to California. As our plane descended into SFO, my heart soared and my nerves churned. It felt like home, like we were finally back where we belonged. As we went about our week in town, we saw several friends and our relationships generally fit right back into place as if we hadn’t been gone 16 months.

Which made me realize that Florida was never home. It was just one more stop on our trip, and a nice opportunity to reconnect with my mom and see some family. California is home. It’s time to go back.

Cheers,

Cheers,

We’re in Jacksonville, Florida visiting my family, so I asked my mom to choose today’s Photo Friday. She picked this one from our visit to the North Island of New Zealand, in the Coromandel region.

Cheers,

Your success depends on you.
Your happiness depends on you.
You have to steer your own course.
You have to shape your own fortune.
You have to educate yourself.
You have to do your own thinking.
You have to live with your own conscience.
Your mind is yours and can be used only by you.
You come into this world alone.
You go to the grave alone.
You are alone with your inner thoughts during the journey between.
You make your own decisions.
You must abide by the consequences of your acts…
You alone can regulate your habits and make or unmake your health. You alone can assimilate things mental and things material…
You have to do your own assimilation all through life.
You can be taught by a teacher, but you have to imbibe the knowledge. He cannot transfuse it into your brain.
You alone can control your mind cells and your brain cells.
You may have spread before you the wisdom of the ages, but unless you assimilate it you derive no benefit from it; no one can force it into your cranium.
You alone can move your own legs.
You alone can move your own arms.
You alone can utilize your own hands.
You alone can control your own muscles.
You must stand on your feet, physically and metaphorically.
You must take your own steps.
Your parents cannot enter into your skin, take control of your mental and physical machinery, and make something of you.
You cannot fight your son’s battles; that he must do for himself.
You have to be captain of your own destiny.
You have to see through your own eyes.
You have to use your own ears.
You have to master your own faculties.
You have to solve your own problems.
You have to form your own ideals.
You have to create your own ideas.
You must choose your own speech.
You must govern your own tongue.
Your real life is your thoughts.
Your thoughts are your own making.
Your character is your own handiwork.
You alone can select the materials that go into it.
You alone can reject what is not fit to go into it.
You are the creator of your own personality.
You can be disgraced by no man’s hand but your own.
You can be elevated and sustained by no man but yourself.
You have to write your own record.
You have to build your own monument — or dig your own pit.
Which are you doing?”

I live my life by this philosophy, although I read this particular quote for the first time only a few days ago. The more I read and the more I learn about life, the more this issue of personal accountability comes up.

After a lifetime of feeling like life happened to me, I began to take full responsibility for my circumstances in my late 20s. Of course, I initially emphasized the bad and basically blamed myself all of the time. More recently, I’ve realized that when I’m suffering or in a bad place, that is the punishment. Duh, right? There’s no need to punish myself further because I brought bad things into my life. That’s just asking for more of the same. And so my new mental pattern in adverse circumstances is: It is what it is. This too shall pass. And I’m actively cultivating an attitude of gratitude for the good things that show up, something that I used to just ignore.

What are your thoughts on Mr. Forbes’ quote, or personal accountability in general?

Sunset from the heart of Melbourne's CBD

Happy Champagne Friday*,

* Wondering what Champagne Friday is? Watch this video from my friend Cassandra Rae. I’m lifting a glass of bubbly to my hubby’s return from PA tomorrow.

What are you celebrating?

Bad stuff going on in your life? You are responsible. Good stuff happening? Pat yourself on the back because you brought that into your life, too. Living with constant ups and downs? You must like the drama, huh? I know that, for some folks, this will be a wildly unpopular idea. Heck, I used to think that life just happened to me, too. But that’s just not true. We create, through our decisions, intentions and attention, our own life experiences.

Decisions

Your day-to-day situation is a result of your decisions. Your decisions dictate your life’s course.

Having financial trouble? Look at your spending habits. Do you spend, spend, spend when you have a little extra, or do you save for a rainy day? A feast or famine lifestyle doesn’t serve you and isn’t necessary. Neither is living paycheck to paycheck for most people. If you can’t afford something, don’t buy it.

In danger of losing your home because you took out a no-interest or adjustable rate mortgage? Why did you purchase a house you couldn’t really afford? That decision wasn’t the bank’s; it was yours.

Unhappy in your relationship or envious of someone else’s so-called “perfect life”? You are choosing to stay in your situation each and every day, and the way you handle that situation is dictating your life experiences. Your spouse may be a jerk but you’re choosing to engage, whether it’s through bickering, arguing or full-on assault. If you chose instead to allow, detach, or—in extreme cases—move on, you wouldn’t be in that situation.

Always getting sick or have a scary medical diagnosis? Most of the time, not always, but most of the time, your choices led to that situation. Eating the wrong things, eating too much, worrying yourself sick, living with too much stress, all of these things can be changed, and when they are, your situation will change.

Yes, occasionally surprises happen: a car accident, an IRS audit or a natural disaster, for example. In these times, you still control your reality by choosing how you’ll respond to the situation. Freaking out? You’re welcoming more stress into your life. Feeling sorry for yourself? You’re inviting more sadness. Don’t believe me? Well, let’s look at how intentions and attention shape your world.

Intentions

Intentions are the beliefs and feelings you send out into the world. They set the tone for your interpersonal interactions. I believe in the Law of Attraction, but you don’t have to in order to understand how your intentions shape the world in which you operate.

Here’s an example: If you hate your coworkers or clients and don’t want to work with them anymore—even if you do your best to hide it—they will be able to tell (if just on a gut instinct/subconscious level). We live our beliefs.

If you intentionally lie, cheat or steal, believing that what someone else doesn’t know won’t hurt them, or that you need something more than another person does, you are creating a world where lying, cheating and stealing are okay. Don’t be surprised when people do the same to you!

Intention also ties into attention: If you believe that people of another race, sexual orientation or religion are evil or dangerous, you will seek out and pay attention to examples that support your belief, while ignoring evidence to the contrary. This tendency is called confirmation bias.

Attention

What you choose to notice, that is, where you put your attention, sets your daily emotional state.

Ever noticed that, when you’re having a bad day, everything seems to be going wrong? That’s your attention at work. You may be having a great day until you trip on your way to work and spill your coffee. Then everything spirals out of control, right? You notice you’re late, that a baby on the subway is crying, that your seat mate is coughing and getting germs everywhere… Because you’re focused on the negative, you ignore the kind person who held the door for you, the smile and wave your neighbor sent you, the extra change you found in your pocket.

The reverse can also be true, but I’ve found that in western societies we tend to emphasize the negative, both in our conversations and our thoughts. Ever listened to older family members talk about who died, who’s sick and what ails them? Then you know what I mean.

The good news about our attention, intentions and decisions setting the course or our lives is that we’re in control. Don’t you feel better just knowing that? We’re not victims; we’re the masters of our fate. So, choose wisely. You’ll be a lot happier for it.

What have your decisions, intentions and attentions brought into your life recently?

Cheers,